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A vacuum cleaner with plastic piping!
Only men would invent such a thing.
Those plastic pipes just love to bend,
Then the suction bit falls off the end.
They split and crack and come apart,
Just goes to show, men aren't so smart.
Is it any wonder my hair's turned grey?
When things like springs spring the wrong way.
To keep it in place was a plastic clip,
But that snapped off, and gave me the 'pip'.
The stretching hose has a nice big tear,
And out of it is blowing all the air.
I glued all the pipes together, today,
Now I can't pack the damn thing away.

I thought it was about time; time to join the 21st century, it's no good trying to ignore these things and get left behind.
So there was the package, $100 for the Phone and $100 worth of free calls. I looked at it the other way around, because eventually I would have to pay for the calls if I made them from my home phone. I decided it was now or never, so in I jump feet first.
The next step is to set it up; I read the User Guide through twice, and nothing makes any sense, but it's obvious to me I will never use half of it. I think I'd better enlist a friend's help, but he's none the wiser. Ok, so I'll get some help tomorrow.
Later that night I think to myself, I'm not going to be beaten, so get it out and take it step by step.
I turn to Getting Started, - Quick and easy it says.

Step 1: Ensure your phone is fully charged. Hold on! I haven't put the battery or chip in yet. Obviously that should be the first step. Shouldn't there be a diagram for that? I flick through the book, no, there isn't.
Step 2: Insert the SIM card, if you're uncertain how to do that, see your User Guide that came with the phone. What the hell am I holding in my hands? I turn to the cover - User Guide. Well it looks like I'm going around in circles here.
What are all these buttons for? There just has to be a diagram somewhere to explain all this. Get out the box, and take out every piece, of everything once again. Haha! Hidden in the bottom, you guessed it, another User Guide.

Start all over again.
Step 1: Charge your phone overnight - that can't be right, surely the battery has to go in first, and what about the chip? Are these people for real? Ok, so now I have the battery and the chip in. Charge phone overnight, a normal person would assume, a brand new battery would be charged and ready to go.

Ok, so I've charged it over night; now phone the given number to give details. Voice replies, We need a password; this is your pin number, and leave for ten minutes before you phone anyone. Ok, she's gone, darn, when she said leave it for ten minutes, did she also say, "Don't switch it off". I think she did, but too late now.
What's that picture on the screen? Is it off or is it on? How the hell do I know? Ok, so press the on/off button and see what happens? Screen lights up with menu on the right and something on the left. What now? Hold on there, the date and time are at the bottom, both incorrect. Should be able to fix that, I find the clock in the book, that was easy, didn't even have to look in the second User Guide, it reads Edit to set time. Ok, so I press to scroll through the menu for Edit. What the hell is all that? Your Text Message has been received. What text message? I was just looking for Edit. Maybe they sent me a message. How do I find and read a message? Forget it, I'll ask my niece on Thursday. Hold on! There's ducks walking across the screen! Are they trying to tell me I'm an idiot? I guess I must be, but this is really unfair. Now I have a clock face on the screen? With the wrong time of cause, and I haven't even touched a button in the last few minutes. I think I'll just ignore it and hope it all goes away.
Later:
The clock face is still there; Let's hope for some freakish reason, I'm not using up that $100. Maybe I'll switch the on/off button again, and see what happens this time.
I think it's off?
All I wanted was a phone that I could ring out on or receive a call. What I have here is a full-blown computer; it would probably print out a book for me if I only knew how to ask it.
Enough is enough, into the car and into town, up to the 'Telstra' shop. "Please show me how to make and receive a call."
"Thank you."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, could you set the clock for me, please?"
"Anything else?"
"Yes, what about this menu bit?"
"See these two dots on this key? Well this is the one to scroll through the menu, not that one."
"Anything else?"
"Don't overload me, but thanks"
The big moment has arrived; time to make the call.
I switch on, the screen lights up with Please confirm switch on. Fair dinkum, how the hell could it be asking me this question if it wasn't switched on?
The 0k icon is on the left, and Cancel on the right.
I press 0k, and those ducks are walking across the screen again, next thing it appears to have switched itself off.
Have I tried again?
No!
Will I? Well maybe, after all my arms have been twisted, there's $100 worth of calls waiting to be used up.
Or is there?

When they brought her home for the first time that day, she looked just like a little white fluffy ball. She could not have known then this was the luckiest day of her life. The family likewise, could not have known how lucky they were, for this little dog was one in a million, the children named her Jenny.
From day one Jenny was pampered and loved every bit as much as a baby would have been. The children would carry her around, and when she was tired they would put her to bed on the floor with pillows and rugs. One rug always went over the top and she would be neatly tucked in. They showered her with toys and every night they would be placed all around her bed. The years went by and the children grew up, and Jenny grew older, but nothing changed much. The children never came home without a new toy for Jenny, and when she went to bed at night she flatly refused to stay there without the rug over her, she would then arrange the toys around the bed herself
When life became a little harder with old age, she had her bed made up on the floor next to 'Mum and Dads' bed. Now she wanted 'Mum' to go to bed when she did.
Many's the time when visiting, I've seen her doing her 'little thing' at bedtime. It went like this: Jenny would look at 'Mum' and give a big sigh, Mum responds and takes her up to the bedroom and tucks her in. We sit and wait for about five minutes, and Jenny comes trotting out with the rug still neatly in place across her back. She stands at the door, looks at Mum and gives another big sigh. Mum says "Ok I'll be there in a minute" and Jenny trots off.
Another five minutes pass and this whole scene is repeated once again. We all waited for what we knew was coming next. Out she comes minus the rug, marches straight through the door and promptly sits down on the floor. It was a case of "Bugger, if you're not coming to bed then I'm not going either."
This little charade went on every night of her life.
Jenny always wanted to mother everyone, including myself, and every pet in the family she thought needed mothering. The pet cat was blind, so when she had her kittens, Jenny promptly took the kittens from her and carried them into the lounge room. She laid down beside them with her paws out encircling them. As far as she was concerned a blind mother couldn't possibly look after her kittens. After getting her kittens back a few times and then loosing them again, the cat finally took her babies under the house, where over-fed Jenny couldn't reach them.
Another time that stands out in my memory is when the duck had a number of babies and one little duckling was very obviously in a bad way and looked like it was not going to make it. How did Jenny know this? Because she was Jenny, and naturally took that poor little mite up, and carried it into the lounge room, just as she had done with the kittens. She laid down on the floor with her paws out encircling the little duck in front of her. She stayed there for hours never taking her eyes off the baby, and no way was anyone going to touch it.
Another very vivid memory is when she decides I needed mothering. I'd just come out of hospital after having major surgery, and gone up to Jenny to be looked after until I got back on my feet again. From the moment I stepped into the room Jenny knew. For the next couple of weeks she was at my side. I moved, she moved, she would sit on the floor in front of me and look up as if to say, "Are you Ok?"
Each day I tried to walk a little further than the day before, and Jenny walked with me. (I should say here that Jenny was and old dog by now) and walking was very difficult for her. The footpath on the street ran slightly up hill, not very much, but enough if you are an old dog, or recovering from surgery, and it ended about three house blocks up.
Jenny stuck with me each day, the two of us crawling at snail's pace. One day mum said, "How far does Jenny go with you?" I said “All the way." She said," She hasn't gone past the end of the drive way for months."
Finally the day came when I reached the end of the footpath, and was pretty pleased with myself. Jenny on the other hand must have said quietly to herself "Thank God for that.” because the next day I set off for my walk and Jenny walked to the end of the driveway and sat down, I got the message and set off on my own, but I noticed she didn't move until I got back.
Jenny filled that house with love, both giving and receiving it in abundance, she knew instinctively what so-called learned human beings never learn in their entire lifetime.

Cars speed through another small town –
And spin on the corners, as they go 'round.
While unaware that they may he hit,
There on the fence, the onlookers sit;
They laugh out loud, and give a cheer,
As cars spin out, for they have no fear.
On they race, just to get ahead;
How long, before many people are dead?
All year long we all complain,
And say the young people must be insane.
Then later, we read about their fate,
After high-speeding it, around the state.
But the news for now is the Targa's fate,
Fast cars, speed and the accident rate.
It's not supposed to influence the young
To speed and race, and call it fun.
But like Targa, their engines will roar –
When they put their foot flat to the floor.
So for now and the rest of the year,
We will once again be driving in fear.

Thursday morning! How I hate Thursday mornings and those "Weekly Tests" everyone should know by now. I'll never be able to spell, no matter what they do. Last night I went over and over the words we were given for homework, my sisters helped, but why did we waste our time? I can't spell them this morning.

At least I can do my maths test. You'd think that would keep my teacher happy – but no, not her! Every Thursday it's the same old thing 0-0-10, 0-0-10 ........ The 0 is for spelling and the ten for Maths. Actually I know she doesn't even bother to read my dictation, because she puts a great big cross right through it. It would be a joke wouldn't it one day by some miracle I remembered how to spell the words correctly, but second thoughts I'd never know, would I.

You know what she does to those who can't do their mental arithmetic? She canes them! Fair dinkum! (Luckily I never get the cane for not being able to spell) In the Mental Arithmetic test she starts out by saying to the class "All those who get this wrong will get the cane" and the five or six who got it wrong get the cane. This goes on for each question and by the time we get to the tenth question she is caning almost all the class.

Naturally I would rather be good at maths than being able to spell. Anyhow I have a good excuse for not being able to spell because in our compositions the teacher would tell us to use our dictionary. Well let me tell you; that is a waste of time. Last week she told us to look up "Photo". Naturally I looked under "F" but couldn't find it. It's under "P" can you believe that? Now take words like "BOW" for bending the head and "Bough" for a branch of a tree, and "calf" any person in their right mind would look under "CAR". Now there you go; in that sentence I just had three more 'loopies'. "Two", "their" and "Two", what on earth is a "W" in there for? Crazy! As for "their" and "would", well you can spell them two ways but if you're like me and can't spell, you don't know these things so you look it up in the dictionary and if you find the wrong one first, bad luck. There's another 'loopy' "Wrong", well you can look all day under the "R's" but you won't find it.

Now you're getting my drift aren't you? Any poor kid would have nightmares about it. What makes me really mad is when we have other lessons like Composition, History or English, instead of marking me on my ability, she marks me on my spelling, now that's not right is it? I quite like composition and history, but am I any good at it? Well I just don't know. But what I do know, is that some teachers are not very bright people.